Modern Guru
The Age
Saturday April 5, 2008
Danny Katz answers readers' questions about 21st-century ethics, etiquette and dilemmas.
Respect all your uncles, kid ... just don't give them any lipMy uncle has been in a gay relationship with the same man for many years (I'm only a teenager). We see them about twice a year, but aren't very close. When at a family gathering, I greet all my other uncles with a peck on the cheek, however I'm not sure if I'm supposed to kiss both of them as well. This might seem homophobic or ignorant or something, but I'm just not sure.J.K., Newcastle, NSW- It's sad that you're even asking this, sad that you'd actually consider treating your gay uncle differently from your other uncles. You should be treating all your uncles exactly the same and not kiss any of them. Lordy-loo, I wouldn't care if my uncle was gay, straight or a bi-curious self-dividing yeast-spore, I'm not putting my lips anywhere near his cheeks, mouth or cytoplasmic cell membrane. I mean, have you seen some of the uncles hanging around the uncle-hotspots these days? Go to a family barbecue and there's Uncle Stevo with the Singing Detective scalp psoriasis - you stand too close and you get showered in shreds of head like you're inside the Winter Wonderland display in a Myer Christmas window. Go to a cousin's wedding and there's big beefy Uncle Rog dressed in his finest Hard Yakka shorts and his formal pair of paint-spattered Blunnies - he slaps you so hard on the shoulder, the part in your hair jumps to the other side. Go visit your parents for dinner and there, huddled in a corner, is insipid little Uncle Ollie with his turtle-head and his muppet-mouth and his supa-thick -9.8 legally blind prescription glasses. Every time he looks at you, it's like a moray eel peeking through magnified aquarium glass. But if you still want to persevere with your uncle-smooching - and that's your business, everyone's entitled to their own wacko family customs - then you should definitely include your gay uncle on your greeting-kiss list. I don't know what you're so worried about: you're not going to get infected by his gayness by giving him a peck on the cheek - though you might get infected by his aggravated face-eczema. You're not going to get a tongue down your throat if you kiss him on the mouth - though you might get a bit of All-Bran that was stuck to his lips from breakfast. A gay uncle is just a family relative like any other and you should feel comfortable kissing, hugging and hanging out with him and his partner any time - though the question remains, why would you? Uncles are mostly gummy-lipped, gingivitis-breathed goblins. You wouldn't even want to chat to them up close without wrapping a tea towel around your face like a hijab.Does this damaged book mark a new chapter in our friendship?My friend left her book at a holiday house that we were sharing. I took it home for her, but it got a bit knocked around in my suitcase and there is now a strange watermark on it. Do I have to buy her a new one? It was new and looks expensive. She also borrows my books and never returns them. P.S., Balaclava, Vic- Ooooooh, that last line sounded the littlest bit nasty, the teeniest bit bitter: reading the subtext here, I'm wondering if maybe you're harbouring some resentment towards your friend for not returning your books, and you may have subconsciously knocked her book around in your suitcase, subconsciously kicked it around the floor, subconsciously squeezed it through the safety-mesh on the observation deck of the Eureka Tower. And I'm worried about that "strange watermark": I don't even want to think what it could be - I'm just praying your friend doesn't have a CSI-style secretion-detecting UV-light and a swabbing kit.Look, if this book is still presentable, readable and mostly odourless, then I don't think you need to buy her a new one, because good friends are understanding and forgiving and let things pass - and if I'm right about your spiteful feelings, it's time for you to let go of your inner rage, and forgive your friend as well. Also, maybe try cleaning off that "strange watermark" with some dry-cleaning fluid and a cottonball.
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